Yes!

We chose our venue!

Happy Dance

Day Six:
I'm finally starting to get very excited and very emotional. My boobs hurt, so I figure the emotions may be streaming from a possible period.
Either way, I'm really getting into everything. I still have quite some time as when I think towards Christas, I feel like that's so long away! Which means my wedding is soooo far away as well. Shit, the more time, the better.

I received the wedding planner Lil bought for me today. Omg, it is perfect! I've already started going through it and filling out as much as I can. All I keep thinking is that I need to jot down everything. Since I'm so frickin sentimental, I know it'll be worth it in the long run.
Also, had a chat with Lily today. A lot of great advice was given and it was super great sharing our excitement together, even if it was only over the phone. Someday very soon, it will be in person!!!
On that note, I must add, I am SO excited to see our families and friends in July. So, so, so excited!!

On other news,  as of now, I think Andrew and I are set on a venue. I would say me,  88% and him, 75%. How nontraditional everything will be if we choose this venue makes us both a little nervous. I think we both need to just rest assured that no matter which venue we choose, it will be perfect.

I will say one thing (my lord, this post is all over the place): I sort of fear, just a wee bit, that this may be the calm before the storm. And that's all I'll say for now. If things go as an extremely small part of me fears, well then I'll talk about that later.
All in all, I'm happy that I'm happy and things are going pretty smooth. Our big day is in the future, and I can't wait!

It's a Free for All

Day Five:

I'm applying for anything free anytime I come across it. Free honeymoon, free tiara, free whatever. I mean, I complete surveys, so I think it's fair? 

Today, my talk with Kari went as I had planned it would and I anticipated all of her answers pretty accurately.  
Today, my talk with Libby was almost exactly what I needed. She reassured me and made me feel a lot more at ease than I started this day with.

Today, my talk with Christine went surprisingly well. And tonight, I will sleep better.

Makes No Difference Who You Are

Sometimes when you wish for something so bad, you make it come true. It just, happens. And it's not like there's a magical fairy godmother out there who's working in your favor, it's what's inside of you that makes your dream a reality.




Day Four:
I think that if I keep trying physically and mentally to make everything go great and smoothly and wonderful, the itty bitty part of me (that I fight with constantly, on a daily basis) will ruin everything. That if I try so hard to make things right, things will go very wrong.
Today was another off day. Already having second thoughts (oh my god, not about marrying Andrew of course) about a lot of things.
Who will stick it out with me until the end?
Besides Andrew, it's got to be me. 

I brought my ring in, finally. I feel like saying my ring size is like announcing I've lost weight or something. 
"Oh, I'm not a size 7, but rather a size 5. Guess smoking all of those cigarettes and drinking all that pop has finally paid off".
It's ridiculous, really. Nonetheless, my ring is at Kay's and hopefully already on its way to downsizing. Literally, not in worth or beauty though. It's due to be finished at the latest, May 10th. Even though April is winding down to an end, May seems so so so far away! It kind of also makes my engagement feel a little nonexistent which is so stupid.
Even without the ring, I was explaining to a Canadian at work today that I moved down here to Arizona in August of 09 with my boyfr- fiance. And was congratulated sincerely. That was cool.


Here's to more constant wishes on eyelashes and at 11:11. But nothing will compare to the power I find in myself to make them all come true.

The Clash

It's difficult for me to stand up for what I want. It isn't difficult for me to stand up for what I believe in.
When my mom and Layne visited in Arizona, mom and I traveled to places like, Pier 1 and Bed Bath and Beyond and Lowe's and Home Depot. And it seems that I lack so much confidence that I couldn't even fathom making my mind up about what color I wanted my kitchen to be painted. What if my mom doesn't like it? What if the Andrews think it's stupid? What if others question it? What if they all gossip? 
It's a fucking paint color that will go on my fucking kitchen walls. WHO CARES. I said that to myself then and I even say it to myself now. We settled on terracotta and a light gray, for the record and it looks great. But all in all, initially, it was Andrew and my mom who decided how everything would go down and what curtains we bought. I just sat there and said, "yeah, I like that" and "sure, that would look nice".
I think I need to grow a pair of balls. And fast.






Day Three:
First future mother-in-law/future daughter-in-law big big BIG disagreement.
With Christine being an over the top dedicated Catholic and my moms and grandma being dedicated Lutherans, Andrew and I have decided with a neutral venue for our wedding; while considering an out-of-church priest performing the marriage. -Seems fair, yeah?
Well while my mom ventured out to a venue today with Chels and my grandparents, she found out very quickly that October 13th, 2012 is a very popular wedding date. And places are already booked. And with that being said, the venue we decide on needs to be decided mighty fast as places are already filling up. Leaving Andrew's decision to tell his parents face-to-face in Minnesota that we are not to be wed in a Catholic church out of the question. He needed to do it ASAP. So, he did it about an hour ago, via phone call.
Christine sighed, guilt-tripped, sighed some more, and even was snappy/bitchy about everything. And then called me. I let it go to voicemail. Once I let her cool down and myself cool down, I will call her on Thursday. As of right now, I don't want to. She left me a very long voicemail that I really don't want to listen to.
I anticipated it to go this way, but a small part of me hoped it wouldn't. That she would be accepting. There goes that small hope.


I'm feeling pretty defeated now. I am pleading with myself to find the confidence that I know should be somewhere inside of me to speak up. Don't back down. But if I can't even decide on fucking paint colors for my kitchen, how in the hell am I going to convince/deal with my future mother-in-law?


Shit.

Forever Can Never Be Enough for Me

I'm pretty observant. You know, observant of everything and most of the time I am very observant of myself. I notice the strip of hair I forgot to shave on my left leg and I notice the mascara spot I missed on my eyelid.

Being so observant, so unbelievably observant can be such a blessing and such a curse. Too bitter and most certainly too sweet.









Day Two:
And while it is only day two, I already am finding myself being a Narcissistic Nancy. For me, at least. All I can think about and all I talk about is wedding this, and wedding that. What I will wear and what I will decide and where I want things to go down and who I want to be there and so on and so forth. I mean, sure, that's reasonable. Right?
But I wonder. When will people grow sick of me as I have already observed myself becoming one to be ignored? Avoided? It's weird being on this level of me, me, me. But it's all about me. Me and Andrew.
And that's just something not only others are going to have to realize, but myself as well.


I've mapped out a game plan of sorts. Shit, if it was my way and I was Superwoman, I would want this whole shebang to be planned out, bought, rented, and adored for by the end of this week. But things like wedding obviously take time. Lots of time. Frankly, if you plan a wedding in less than a year, you are on some serious crack cocaine. If you're wedding takes more than a year to plan, you really must have some issues. Looking at it, either way, you're in trouble.
Well, I'm the "take a year and a half to plan" kind of fool. And I am perfectly okay with that. The more time, the absolute better.
Thus far, I have realized that starting a budget and getting a guest list in order is of most importance and really the first things I can really do. Also, planning the venue. Because I have found that gathering a guest list really determines my venue and if there is a venue I fall more in love with than I am with Andrew than that could determine my guest list. Today for instance, I wrote down a list of friends that I would consider inviting. These people consist of family friends (like Chelsea and Lily's mom and sister and babies) work friends, and plain old friends. I made to stay on top of my game and not to let my heart bleed too much, and I added up to 29 people. And if I assume they all bring a friend or lover or partner or gardener or whatever, that could total out to 58 people. And there goes one awesome effing venue I have in my mind right out the awesome effing window that was built into it. What about Andrew's mom's seven brothers and sisters? What about the fact that I have a mom, a dad, a step mom, three grandparents that all have their families who also have families? I know I could limit my friend list quite a bit since I put a question mark by a lot of their names, but the lovable Bre that's somewhere inside of me, wants everybody to be there. I don't know. Again, it's Day Two, I've got time to figure things out.


While trying to keep the women in my life involved; Mom, Wendy, and grandma, I am already running into complications. Mom tells me a lot of wonderful advice and Wendy tells me a lot of wonderful advice and so does my grandma.
But my mom has already been borderline too stern with me. Telling me I was wrong for wanting to do something a certain way. I can't even remember what it was, so it didn't affect me too much, clearly.
But Wendy has already gone against one of my popular beliefs: inviting people I KNOW. Not her best friends Margie and Christin. Like, really? After I had finished telling her that I don't want to waste the postage on the invite inviting people I have met briefly for six seconds in my entire life.
But grandma straight up told me that she hates my tattoos and really feels I should wear a dress with sleeves. Not long sleeves, but sleeves. Ouch. I knew she hated them but for her to openly say it, leaves much room for complications. Is she going to pout when we go dress shopping and I get a strapless dress? Or a halter dress? Or basically every dress on the planet that does not have long sleeves? She will be the bitter old hag I know she can act like. She is not a bitter old hag, but my god can that woman sure mimic one like no other.



I am already having second thoughts about putting my wedding help into their hands. I have three women who mostly agree on everything together, but at the same, don't. 



This sparkly ring and the sparkly beautiful boy who will be coming home from work in less than an hour are keeping my spirits and my aura awfully high, but after talking to the ladies today and listening to what they had to say (I sort of did a lot of interrupting, I'm not used to that) and then finding out some borderline crappy news from work, the exhausted part of my body, that's just waiting to erupt (since I haven't really eaten since Satuday, nor have I slept) is seeping through the cracks of my skin.


It's Day Two, Bre. Only day two. You will change your mind a million times between now and October and a million people will try to convince you to do things their way whether fitting or not between now and October.

Hold tight to your beliefs, don't get discouraged, be patient, and have fun.

By Your Side

I've started and restarted this blog at least five times now. It's 3:27 AM. I don't think I've ever had a high last this long before.

I've promised myself  that for the next 532 days, I will blog. Blog once a day. Blog about the new life that's bringing itself to my immediate attention. Blog about the many many ups that are to come. Blog about the challenges I will face. -I will face challenges and I'm constantly reminding myself that that's all right. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Nobody does, unless it's your third or fourth time. Maybe even then, you don't know. But I'm facing those challenges with open arms. 

Sort of.

Day 1:
I am a fianceé (just so you're aware, that is the correct spelling and form of the word fiancé . I got all technical and Googled it). And quite honestly, I can't stop staring at my ring. Is that normal? Or, common? I'll use common instead of normal. Nothing is normal.
I am 22-years-old and engaged. I will state that I feel like I'm lying to myself. Really? Engaged? Going to be a wife? Good god, when did this happen? When did I go from daydreaming about my first ever kiss to daydreaming about my first kiss as a wife? Should I be asking myself these questions? Should I be asking others? Should I be asking you?
Please don't mistake my ludicrous questioning for a lack of excitement because I am excited. I'm anxious. I am too fucking anxious. I am ridiculously anxious. Mostly ridiculous.
I suppose The Story is in order, right? Some background information to base all of this off of? Sure!

I met Andrew in July of 2007. Everything but love at first sight. Needless to say, through losing friends and betrayal and tears and kisses and so much love, we became an official couple on November 14th, 2007.

*Oh my god, how soon that date will have little to no meaning whatsoever.

I was an 18-year-old moron and he was a fresh 21-year-old. He was fantastic then and he's even more fantastic now. Is that possible? I'll make the comparison; he is literally like a fine wine that just gets better and better and better and better and better and better AND BETTER with age. I wouldn't know the wine end of things from experience, but I'll take your word for it.
This beautiful male stuck by my side through it all. With his patience and his kindness and his sense of humor. With his genuine attitude, his sleep-talk, his entire being. I am so lucky. I am so, so, so, lucky.

Today, or yesterday, was your average day. April 23rd to keep things clear. Your average day, not mine. My allergies have gotten the best of me and have left me with watery eyes, a stuffy nose, and a mucus filled esophagus. Andrew and I decided to venture out to the movie theatre to view Insidious. The movie was horrifying for your information. I would say it's a must-see for those who love the horror films. I would also say it's a must-not-see for those who still sleep with a nightlight. We ate Chipotle afterwards and he finished his burrito in 4.83 seconds while it took me 4.83 hours to finish 3/4 of mine. Looking back on it, he seemed distant during our entire outing. Not in a negative way but in a way you would view swans on a pond. You're there, but it's about the swans. How they swim, how they rest next to each other, their beauty.
Yes, I'm comparing myself to a swan. There's no other way to describe it. He was watching me eat and interested in everything I said. Never really sparking conversation but rather observing everything I said and did.
Man, how did I not notice?
Andrew suggested that we go to the lookout spot over Fountain Hills. You can view our entire city from there, along with the fountain and the pools and the McDowell mountains and the Four Peak mountains. Maybe if you tried hard enough, you could see the entire world. Everything kind of looked like this.
Although not feeling up to hiking a step or two to the top, I agreed. Everything just flowed together as I'm looking back on it. So, we got to the top and we sat on one of the wire benches. It was around 6:00 PM and the sun was setting behind the McDowell mountains, making shadows dance around our town. We chatted a little bit (I mean really, how am I just seeing this now? We're usually full of jokes and many exchanged words) and just sort of sat there as the fountain began to go up below us.
The next thing I saw was Andrew fumbling in his left jean pocket (pocket farthest away from me). Too many thoughts ran through my head:






*what is he trying to grab?
*his phone is in his other pocket, I can see the outline
*wow, he's really shaky
*is he doing what I think he's doing?
*did that really fit in his pocket?
*how long was that in his pocket?
*is that a box? What's the word for that special kind of box???
*he seems very nervous
*is he bending down on one knee? In the gravel?
*he's going to get dirty
*is he bending down on one knee?
*is he bending down on one knee?
*is he bending down on one knee???
*IS HE BENDING DOWN ON ONE KNEE??
*is he crying?
*is this really happening??
*did he just call me Breanna??
*IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING??
*omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg


He asked me to marry him all right. And I replied, in these exact words, "oh my god, is this really happening? Is this really happening? Oh my god, seriously?? Oh my god, really??"
And then I pulled him up and we hugged and embraced and he asked, "So is that a yes??"
And I felt like an idiot and I said, "YES OF COURSE!"
And then, with shaky shaky fingers, he slipped the ring on my finger. And we hugged again. Or maybe we never stopped hugging. 
I then told him that I thought I was going to puke. Because I really felt like I was going to. 



I can't believe that I have an engagement story.
And that it involves the word puke and insidious and maybe diarrhea.
I can't believe he really wants to marry me.
I can't believe how lucky I am. -How so fucking lucky I am.
I can't believe that I have this huge diamond ring on my finger.

I can't wait to start my life with Andrew...officially.

I should rejoin my sleeping beau. I'm finally sort of kind of a little bit tired. Such euphoria that I didn't know what naturally possible. I hope that everyone, some time in their life, gets to feel what I'm feeling right now.
Because it is great, it is so great.