The Clash

It's difficult for me to stand up for what I want. It isn't difficult for me to stand up for what I believe in.
When my mom and Layne visited in Arizona, mom and I traveled to places like, Pier 1 and Bed Bath and Beyond and Lowe's and Home Depot. And it seems that I lack so much confidence that I couldn't even fathom making my mind up about what color I wanted my kitchen to be painted. What if my mom doesn't like it? What if the Andrews think it's stupid? What if others question it? What if they all gossip? 
It's a fucking paint color that will go on my fucking kitchen walls. WHO CARES. I said that to myself then and I even say it to myself now. We settled on terracotta and a light gray, for the record and it looks great. But all in all, initially, it was Andrew and my mom who decided how everything would go down and what curtains we bought. I just sat there and said, "yeah, I like that" and "sure, that would look nice".
I think I need to grow a pair of balls. And fast.






Day Three:
First future mother-in-law/future daughter-in-law big big BIG disagreement.
With Christine being an over the top dedicated Catholic and my moms and grandma being dedicated Lutherans, Andrew and I have decided with a neutral venue for our wedding; while considering an out-of-church priest performing the marriage. -Seems fair, yeah?
Well while my mom ventured out to a venue today with Chels and my grandparents, she found out very quickly that October 13th, 2012 is a very popular wedding date. And places are already booked. And with that being said, the venue we decide on needs to be decided mighty fast as places are already filling up. Leaving Andrew's decision to tell his parents face-to-face in Minnesota that we are not to be wed in a Catholic church out of the question. He needed to do it ASAP. So, he did it about an hour ago, via phone call.
Christine sighed, guilt-tripped, sighed some more, and even was snappy/bitchy about everything. And then called me. I let it go to voicemail. Once I let her cool down and myself cool down, I will call her on Thursday. As of right now, I don't want to. She left me a very long voicemail that I really don't want to listen to.
I anticipated it to go this way, but a small part of me hoped it wouldn't. That she would be accepting. There goes that small hope.


I'm feeling pretty defeated now. I am pleading with myself to find the confidence that I know should be somewhere inside of me to speak up. Don't back down. But if I can't even decide on fucking paint colors for my kitchen, how in the hell am I going to convince/deal with my future mother-in-law?


Shit.